Asking Eric: Relatives leave gifts but don’t come inside to visit

Dear Eric My sister and brother-in-law live a couple of hours away My wife and I get along with them but are not close and we try to make an effort to see them when we are nearby a couple times a year We have a pre-school-age child while they do not have kids They are kind and generous to our child when they see him and bring him gifts from their travels when they do see him Our son has no cousins or family members that are close in age to him so we try to encourage strong relationships with the adults around him In recent months we didn t answer our door when our family members dropped by unannounced We were in the backyard They deposited particular nice gifts by the front door and left sending a text message of regret On its face this gesture is considerate and appropriate But we were truly disappointed We don t want our son to receive random gifts and material objects we want him to know his aunt and uncle have a bond with them and associate any material gifts with them and their love Our relatives have done this more than twice so it s a pattern It s hard to know how to tell them that their kind gesture fell very short with us Had they given us minutes advance notice or even called while on the doorstep we could have seen them Every response I imagine sounds ungrateful for their gifts Is it too much to ask them to spend a little time with their nephew Time Is Better Than Gifts Dear Time You ve got a situation that s almost worthy of an O Henry story But all is not lost They have good intentions as do you And everyone is trying to be generous That s a great place from which to start Thinking generously about their actions maybe they don t want to bother you or presume that parents of young kids don t have time to entertain Working from that premise you can start to proactively encourage them to behave differently when they visit Try saying something like we really hate to miss you next time you re coming by just give us a call when you re on your way We ll be happy to make a visit work Seriously You can make it plain that you want them to build a relationship with your son and invite them to spend quality time with him It s so crucial that our son knows you can we set a date for a proper visit Keep the focus on the future as much as you can rather than talking about the last fly-by visit Sometimes people need explicit invitations But it seems their hearts are in the right place so with a little guidance their actions will follow Dear Eric At a current family gathering pictures were made and then posted on social media I had not seen them but I did participate at the time I don t want my pictures posted for personal reasons and it causes mental distress seeing them I don t feel that I can ask for them to be removed without causing a rift in the family I did post a brief comment that people should ask before posting and I would do the same It was seen by the person so I hope they removed them I feel it may have been done for the wrong reasons as this person posted only flattering ones of themselves Now a wonderful memory of the occasion will be ruined in my memories Should people think before using others photos on social media Social Dilemma Related Articles Asking Eric New friend s cooking turns the stomach Asking Eric Adult children object to parents burial plans Asking Eric Minimalist daughter doesn t want any family heirlooms Asking Eric After ugly comments brother invites himself to party Asking Eric Friend s dog not welcome in the pool Dear Social Short answer yes There are plenty of reasons that people may not want their photos posted maybe it s not an angle you like maybe you want to preserve your privacy maybe you don t want just anybody knowing what you get up to in your spare time It is invariably a good practice to ask before posting And it s not rude or unseemly to ask that a photo be removed or to be edited out of a photo A multitude of social media platforms make it quite easy to crop a photo or even add a little emoji over the face of someone who d rather not be in the photo Plenty of people do that when posting family photos with kids in them for instance It s easy to think of social media as akin to a personal photo album indeed several social media companies want you to feel that way But a photo album generally sits on the shelf and is only shown to a limited audience Social media even with privacy settings in place is much more community You can and should ask for what you need in this situation Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com